Where to begin. Well, let’s talk about the past thirteen years of “sleep.” When you are married to a snorer, sleep must always be in quotation marks. Why? Because you are often not actually getting any. Instead you are lying in bed fuming, maybe crying actual tears, experiencing emotions which vacillate between rage and self pity.

I can’t say I was duped into this lifestyle. Very early on I knew that my then boyfriend was a snorer. It’s not like it’s something you can hide, like the fact that you untuck the sheets in a very, very annoying way. At first I had hope. I *am* a light and crappy sleeper, but surely he could not snore that loudly all the time. Also, I was falling in love. Also, it never occurred to me that it would get worse because it seemed fairly dire as it was.

The good news was that he was willing to try (this was back in 2003). He agreed to sleep on a wedge. He used “breathe right” strips. He may have asked a doctor about his snoring and if there was anything to do about it. He came home with Prilosec and Sudafed which he agreed to take if he felt “stuffy” (which in my mind was every day and in his mind was 2% of time).

I was also willing to do my share which did not involve acceptance because there is legitimately no way to accept something that keep you awake/on high alert every night, but did involve determination. I purchased a wide variety of ear plugs (Mack wax are the best). I googled the shit out of “snore remedies.” I spent a couple of hundred dollars on ear plugs that actually have white noise built into them. I remember back to that magical day thinking I had the solution and was maybe going to sleep again. If you’ve never slept with white noise right up against your eardrum, which you probably have not, you do not realize that it makes you feel like you are drowning/vertigo-ing/maybe going to die. You might try wearing them again hoping that you’ll get used to the sensation of plummeting to the earth as if on a crashing airplane as you try to sleep. You don’t. You then feel angry at the company that manufactures these ear plugs for giving you false hope.  You death-stare the earplugs in your drawer every time you see them. Ultimately, you give in and throw them out.

By the point I realized I might be in trouble of the life-long variety, we were living together. But I remained optimistic because I did not know any better. We invested in white noise machines. We bought a king sized bed. We faced away from one another when we slept.

If you are married to/living with/dating a snorer, you will be shaking you head sadly along in sympathy because you will know that nothing I have listed works (though the wedge at home is far better than the nights in hotel rooms with no wedge). If you are not married to snorer, you will be thinking how lucky you are, and might be smug about it. You have ever right to be smug. It may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

With a snorer, there are mediocre nights, bad nights, and nights where you contemplate the following, in no particular order: Moving out (into own, quiet, space); How you may never sleep again, like ever, which could be another 50 years; Divorce; How it is really, really unfair that you are being subjected to this kind of life and what this means for your physical, mental and emotional self; Homicide; How no one else has it as bad as  you do; Waking him up every 3-6 minutes to beg/scream at him to shut the fuck up. Oh wait, you don’t think that, you actually do that on the worst nights. That also does not work. You may also yell at him to do a damn sleep study/get an apnea mask. He may/will refuse. This will enrage you more, particularly if this conversation is in the middle of the night when you are already convinced that there may be some grand plan to keep you awake forever, and it’s working despite your best efforts to fight it.

To those of you who are the problem (aka snorers) in your relationship, a quick list of things never to say (you’re welcome):

“You’re exaggerating/It’s not that bad” (You have no idea, and it is, oh dear god if only  you were right.)

“But you’ve always had sleep issues, even before we met” (OWN the snoring. Own it. Apologize for it. Daily)

“You’ll get used to it.” (I won’t and you wouldn’t either. No one on the planet would, never mind that your kids have)

“No one ever complained before you” (Wimps, liars, deaf folk)

“I don’t do it on purpose.” (You do. I know you do)