I have learned a thing or two since having kids, but what has struck me most – okay, maybe not most, but what has struck me repeatedly – is the difference between the way I approach social dynamics/invitations/getting to know other people in my kids’ grades versus the way pretty much everyone else does.

Here is what I’ve noticed.

It is your child’s birthday and you are planning a party. Me: Stress about how far in advance (from date of party) would be too early invitation-wise aka what would make me look like complete, desperate loser as opposed to an organized, together parent. Debate a “save the date” for the party to get it on people’s radar but decide since my child is neither being bat mitzvah’ed nor getting married, this move may be (but is not 100% necessarily) excessive. Convince myself that sending an invitation to a child’s party six weeks out is socially acceptable, and in fact, people appreciate it. Get gently told to calm the fuck down (by them).  Wait an additional two days to two weeks (in my good years) to send invitation. Spend the better part of a day selecting the “best” evite site (evite vs. paperpless post vs. punchbowl – I could go on) and then choosing an invitation that looks “age-appropriate/casual/masculine/classy/breezy.” End up settling on an invitation with balloons (or something) that was probably the first invitation in the bunch. Send evite. Check evite nine times per day (slash hour) until I discover “notify me when guests reply” function.  Notice that some people don’t reply. Ever, as in now the party is in two weeks. The worst offenders are those who have viewed invitation because….hello, what’s the delay. Some don’t even view it (please, someone, explain this to me). Go through what can only be called phases of grief with these non-responders: Denial (they will respond, I know it! Maybe their emails changed? I bet it went to their spam folder!); Anger (what in the literal EFF is wrong with them?); Bargaining (fine, I will send a gentle reminder about the party, but only through the evite system); Depression (maybe they hate me/kid); Acceptance (it will be fine if only 3 kids show up, really. Small parties are better).  Just when I’ve gotten to the acceptance phase – or at least when I have exited the depression phase –  their kid shows up at my kid’s party. Naturally, the only way to handle this is to greet them warmly and pretend nothing happened that was VERY WRONG and made me QUESTION THEIR MORALS.

Them: Send some perfect looking invite (or actual paper invitation) two weeks out. Party is planned last minute but the cake is nevertheless perfect and homemade and there is a theme (see: https://underthefalseimpression.wordpress.com/2015/12/22/entertaining/). They may/may not check RSVPs during the few days before the actual party, but it’s all a big, non-discussed mystery. I don’t know what these people do or how it works out for them, but it does. There is no stress other than perhaps the fact that every invitee is attending.

 

Playdates in general: Me: Do the asking. 

Them Get asked. Okay, this has morphed over time, but this was my entry into playdates.

Unwanted playdates: Here I mean those times when your child is invited to a playdate with a kid he/she doesn’t really like. I have forced my child to go on one playdate with this kid already (“be nice, give him/her a chance/you never know!” – I do think this is fairly universal behavior except for the complete assholes out there) but at this point, I know there’s no way in hell my kid wants to go on another one.(“I’m not doing that” or “Please don’t make me” are sentences my children have uttered at the suggestion).

Me: Feel immense guilt the second I receive the email with the request because I know I need to decline, but I feel bad, because maybe this kid doesn’t have friends, or maybe the kid isn’t really that bad, never mind that my kid is N-O-T not interested and at this point, is practically a teenager. Spend the next six minutes to one hour stressing over how to reply to this unwanted playdate invitation. Solicit advice. Am instructed on how they would handle, which is first and foremost to let it lie for a while. I take this in. I nod in agreement. I then reply within the hour (which, incidentally, feels like “letting in lie”) so as not to be rude. In fact, I am worried I have already been rude not replying within seconds. Somehow find self writing”Sure!” or “Sounds good!” or things that seem to not include “no thank you” or “sadly, we are busy.” My children begin to hate/resent me when I inform them of pending plan. I promise this playdate is the last. I assure them that I mean it this time.

Them: Ignore email for days to plant the seed of “no fucking way.” Eventually respond with a cheery, “Oh, that’s so nice of you to ask.” They continue on to explain how busy they are and/or that they don’t really do many playdates and/or “maybe soon!” if they want to throw the requestor a bone. They do not send kid on unwanted playdate. They do not think about the email/playdate ever again.

Class/grade dynamic, child 1: Me: Know first/last names of entire 72 child grade by 1st grade. Know at least half the parents’ names by this point, which families live on the East/West side vs. Downtown, know (generally) the season/month/actual date of all girls’ birthdays. Might/might not know all kids’ siblings names as well as well as what grade they are in. May fake level of knowledge (as in, pretend to be clueless, as in “Oh, Jane lives on the Upper West Side? I had no idea!”) so as not to appear like a lunatic and/or someone who lacks hobbies/employment/a life.

Them: No idea, but just know it’s not the above or anything approximating it.

Class/grade dynamic, child 2: Me: Know all of children’s name (except 3, maybe 4) in 36 child grade by 1st grade. Know who has older siblings because most do. Know the names of 5-7 parents. Have no real idea where anyone lives unless they are at my bus stop. Birthdays? Who cares.

Them: Ditto.