Here’s what happens in your 40s: Things change, and not always (or ever) for the better. Sure, I am more comfortable in my own skin and have stopped giving a shit what people think (see: altercation with a 13 year-old on the bus who thought it was important to voice every thought she had at the loudest volume she could muster.  I took it as my civic duty to tell her that she needed to be quiet and that there were other people on the bus. She took it as her civic duty to ignore me. But this is not what I’m trying to talk about).

What am I trying to talk about? Glad you asked. The first change I’ve noticed since hitting 42 is gaining weight despite maintaining the same diet/exercise regiment as 5 lbs/years ago.  If anything, I am more rigorous at the gym than I used to be. Body has not really gotten that message, or if it has, it is very nonchalant about it.  Another change that comes to mind is also body-related: My hands. What happened to them? It’s like we are at war: They are determined to look old and vein-y; I am determined to keep them youthful by slathering them with lotion and exfoliating them daily. They are winning. But it’s not over.

The main change I’m thinking of, the one that is the most insulting and quite frankly, rude as all get out,  is the change in my mental capabilities. In order for my life to, say, function, I need lists and google calendar reminders.  Lots of them. Once upon a time, lists were things old people needed. Way back when, when colleagues said things like “don’t you need to write anything down?” I would look at them  pityingly, point my index finger at my skull and say “It’s all up here” or other such nonsense. To be fair, it was all up there. I didn’t forget or lose track of things. I didn’t miss deadlines. I knew where I had to be and when. To-do lists/reminders were for the weak-minded, the sorry-ass folk who did not have my mental acuity.

It’s not that my brain has completely failed me. I still have a moderate grasp of the English language and some basic math skills (though have been stumped by my 4th grader’s homework. Like, actually stumped. How the hell am I supposed to figure out how three 8s, when combined – using only the three 8s and a math symbol like + or what have you – can result in the number 6?)*. My trusty brain has also maintained a steady and I’ll say it, impressive capacity for critical information such as:

• My childhood phone number
• The birthdays of classmates I have not seen since 1989
• Which celebrity is married to which other celebrity/whether they have children/how many/who the single celebrities are dating
• Madonna’s full name, birthday (including year) and some important facts about her childhood in Michigan
• Every word to the two songs I sang at my 6th grade graduation in 1982 (yes, some of you were there and reminded me there were three songs. Fine.)

But there are a growing number of things that now take some serious concentration/are no longer at the ready. Like the word that’s at the tip of my tongue  but I can’t quite conjure up immediately (one time it was my child’s name); like remembering to bring a wallet when leaving the house (forgetting it 1-10 times does not teach this old dog any sort of new trick); that the olive oil will not magically appear in my cupboard unless I remember to buy it. My brain has also started to conduct some inconsiderate and outright embarrassing antics which include, but are not limited to:

• Instructing me to use my metro card at the gym
• Making me conduct searches for my phone while I am on said phone as I frantically tell the person on the other end that I have lost my phone
• Failing to recognize people who know me well enough to hug me hello on the street
• Remembering the plot line of any book I have read in the past ten years, even within a week of finishing it

Where once I wrote nothing down – I’m not even sure I owned a calendar – today , I make lists. I have to put reminders in my calendar with normal things like “school contract due” or “movies with Jane,” but also for things like  “get candle/matches/cake” (for my own child’s birthday party) or “call super” which might seem obvious when one of two toilets in my home stops functioning completely, but alas, is not obvious. If I need more than one item (or in fact any item at all) at the drugstore? List. That errand I need to run or check I need to write? Reminder in google calendar or it doesn’t happen.

For Friday 2/26, Google Calendar Notification: Write blog. Click “Publish.”

 

*For all of you who think you solved the 4th grade math problem, number one, congrats, that’s further than I got. Number two, cubed roots were not allowed. Now what.