Noise bothers me. A lot. And for someone with this disease, it is ironic that I happen to live in a very, very loud city. But it is not the city noise (in general) that bothers me most, though I have been tempted to key/egg cars whose alarms go on for hours. There was also a drunk, homeless gent who took his fall/winter residence in the church doorway across the street from our last apartment and I really had no mercy for him and his antics (by no mercy, I mean I called 311 twice).  It got especially bad when I could actually recognize his voice/knew he was a-coming. But that’s not really what I’m talking about when I say “noise bothers me.” I’m talking about smaller noises.

My mother shrugs off my complaints as high maintenance with a “her again” eye roll, and my spouse talks about how it’s “the voices in your head” making the noise. IT IS NOT THE VOICES.

Here are the things you are not allowed to do in or near my presence:

– Mouth noises. Don’t make them. I don’t want to hear the food being masticated in your mouth, I don’t want to hear a loud noise as/after you yawn and I do not want to hear you eat an apple (or carrots, a not-ripe peach). Ever.  Also, do not chew gum, more specifically in the movies/theater or in a museum (not that I ever go to museums, but still. When I do, don’t ruin it). Ditto hard candy, but at least those have a shelf life. Till you put the next one in your mouth, and dear god, you always do.

– Breathe so I can hear you. I may make an exception if you are working out, but even then, I don’t need to hear you grunt/orgasm as you do your workout (really, there is one woman at the gym where I feel like I am actually listening to her have the sex. But no, no, she’s just lifting weights). If you can hear yourself breathing, IT IS TOO LOUD. If your nose is stuffy, I have a solution for you: breathe through your mouth. It’s temporary, you can go back to the nose breathing once your cold/congestion passes. On that front – do not sniffle incessantly. I would happily offer you a tissue if I was guaranteed a yes and not a beat-down.

– Clip nails anywhere in public. Why, why do people do this? How is this a socially acceptable norm?

– Whistle. I really, really don’t  want to hear the song stuck in your head.  I know whistling probably means you’re happy or in a good mood, and that’s very nice. Stop anyway.

– Say my name (aka “mom/mommy” variation) 1,000 times in a row (I admit this may be an entirely different category).

– Jiggle your foot. I know this doesn’t make noise, but it’s annoying anyway, and I thought I’d throw it in while I was at it.

For more information on my affliction, please see the NYT: