After I had my daughter – not immediately mind you, but within a year or two, I kind of felt like i had the parenting thing down. Not that I knew everything  – I wasn’t a smug asshole. But my girl was calm. As her friends (“friends” –  they were 2 for god’s sake) tore through the house chasing each other, she would find a bookshelf and carefully look through each book.  Quietly. If we told her “no” one time – going near a socket, putting a toe into the street from a curb – you name it — she never did it again. Ever. Sure we had to give her time outs and she had tantrums as she got older, but we had a rule-following, people-pleasing kid. Of course, we didn’t know this. We thought it sort of had to do with our strict (but loving!) parenting.

Then I birthed a second child.  My son is fantastic. He is funny, clever, spunky….and he questions the shit out of everything. He follows rules. Ish. Like, when he feels like it. Like after he’s tested said rule a few thousand times. While my daughter would sob through time-outs, remorseful, horrified to be punished, my son….how do I say this…took it like a man. Time-outs were sort of a joke even though we devoured episode after episode of Super Nanny who assured us that time outs worked with any child. Boy would sit there, don’t get me wrong. Sort of like he was appeasing us  –  “oh, this routine again?” – all the while plotting his next move. Taking away his favorite things – dessert, TV – no problem! He wouldn’t ask to watch TV or for a cookie until the punishment period was over. He would act like these things had never really been that important to him in the first place. Would actually say things like, “I don’t really like chocolate that much anymore” or “I was getting kind of sick of TV anyway.” It was hard to feel as if the punishment was resonating.

But there’s something else that’s sort of amazing about having a second child (other than it kicks your sorry, smug ass). It shows you how these beings, these extensions of yourself are…really not that at all. They are these unique entities who are of course influenced by you, but really are their own selves from day one. They are shy and thoughtful or charming and witty because that’s who they are. And if I hadn’t had this crazy look-me-in-the-eye-and-lie-to-me-without-me-ever-knowing-even-though-you’re-only-six second kid, I really may not have appreciated how much is them, and how little is me.