Since I was in my early 20s, I have loved having parties. I like to host, am fairly social, and apparently, was not daunted by having 400 sq. foot studio.  In my 20s – little did I know then – it was easy. Invite people for 9 pm, done. Sure, I planned ahead and bought some alcohol.  Food was not on radar though maybe I would spontaneously buy Cheetos and/or Tostitos (hint of Lime) day-of. I would force my inner circle of friends to show up right at 9 after which point I would spend a solid 90 minutes stressing that no one else would come. Everybody did show up – generally once the 11 pm mark hit — and they would all bring a variety of cheap wine, beer or Zima (yes, there was always that guy, but those bad-boys got drank).  The music blasted from the radio, cranked up for the especially good songs like “Bust a Move” or Salt N’Peppa. I would magically wind up with a bottle of Malibu which I would then proffer up at my next party. The bitches got dusty. Even we, 20-something and penny-pinching were not *that* desperate.

That was then. By my late 30s, parties had become more of a Thing. We all started taking hosting seriously and had the human decorum to provide food while we were busy pouring alcohol down people’s maws. These days, people show up within an hour of your start time – some of them within the first 10 minutes, thank the good lord above. But here’s the thing. I’ve learned that while I may have thrown a bad-ass party in my 20s, I know nothing about this new….how do I put it…genteel (or let’s be honest, gentile – shout out!) party planning.

 

To give you a rough sense of what I mean, here is a comparison.

My parties (MP): Buy excessive amounts of food and then freak out that there is not enough food. Go especially heavy on cheese and crackers which apparently my current friends barely eat, god knows why (seriously guys, wtf?).

Their parties (TP): Plenty of food (quantity-wise and variety-wise) which is carefully and thematically placed around the apartment. There are napkins and plates by any food items, with appropriate shaped forks/spoons at the ready. There are empty elegant-looking small bowls so you dot’t walk around awkwardly holding four olive pits in a napkin whilst searching for the garbage.

MP: Purchase a lot of alcohol but do not think through “mixers” or the fact that some people don’t drink and might want, say, soda.

TP: Have at least 2 bottles of wine per person on hand even though many will be drinking something called a “signature cocktail” which, incidentally, has garnish and special glasses and maybe even a name. Mixture is pre-made so no one is sloppily trying to re-concoct on the go.

MP: Within 60 minutes of the party’s start, have minor conniption that I do not have enough plates because maybe – and it’s possible –  20 people will use more than 75 plates. Remember that people might want lime in their gin and tonics. Remember that I need napkins. Make husband do last minute run for things that include but are not limited to: Tonic, limes, lemons, napkins, simple syrup and one time – really – a soap dispenser (not to be confused with actual soap). Truth be told, husband refused to go fetch a dispenser, making the universally understood rotating finger at temple sign when I asked why not, which led to larger conniption fit on my part (By the by, perhaps in a fit of pity, a friend brought dispenser from her own bathroom. Thank you for that).

TP: As noted, napkins are chicly and appropriately placed by various food items. These napkins conjure up a theme which is echoed by everything else craftily placed around the apartment.  Everything, including name tags if they exist, matches and falls into the aforementioned planned (and yet effortlessly carried out) theme.   Plastic is of a high, pre-ordered, well thought-out quality.

MP:  Dim lights. Carefully and perhaps smugly create a playlist that husband mocks as “not good for parties.” Put on music which no one can hear and/or no one likes because”wow, these songs are depressing” or “Girl on Fire right after De La Soul? Is this a new playlist all of a sudden?” It is not new playlist.

TP: Music is at an appropriate volume and also fits mood of room even though mood of room changes as night goes on. People can be overheard complimenting the music from time to time. Candles have been purchased and strategically placed to create the perfect lighting (see: theme).

MP: I (along with spouse) make sure guests have their first drink – make a show of it, actually –  and do notice if someone has a completely empty glass at which point I offer to refill it and/or point them in the general direction of the drink area. I assume everyone is an adult and can find their own way, plus I’m busy with the important task of making sure I have enough to drink.

TP:  Drinks are offered upon arrival. From that point on, even though I never get myself a second or third drink, my glass is always somewhere between half and completely full. As things wind down and the party slims to the hard-core, the A-level scotch is busted out.

So yeah. Sometimes I miss the good old days when all I did was spend 2 hours worrying that no one would show up at my event. But then I remember: These in-the-know people are my friends and they are willing to help and share their genteel-dom.  I need it and they know it.