While I used to be a political junkie, I have refrained from writing  about this election because, as they say, I can’t even. One, for obvious shit-show reasons. Two, because it’s all been said. Three, anytime “grab them by the pussy” is part of the political lexicon, I’m out. And finally, because the irony of a disgusting misogynist running against/losing to a woman – and not just a woman, but the very first woman ever to make it this far –  is just too damn good (if only it weren’t so scary).

What I do want to write about is a different, more personal irony. My husband and I are both non-religious Jews; me an atheist, him “an atheist if I cared enough to have an opinion about it.” Our kids are a different story. We like to joke that we have one Jewish kid (the girl) and one Episcopal kid (that’d be the boy). Some of our family members do not find this that funny. And it might not be. But it’s happening, people.

It started with, I believe, my firm commitment to never attend a religious service again once I was no longer compelled to by my father, RIP.  Case in point, upon my nuptials, our instructions to the judge who married us were “just no mention of god.” And even though the man half of this marriage  grew up far more religious than I, aka he was bar mitzvahed and knows the Schma (and I was not and had to use the Google to make sure I was spelling “Schma” correctly (I wasn’t)), he also feels no desire to attend religious services or force our kids to do so.

Then along came the girl. She goes to a private school in New York City which, in case you were unawares, has the largest Jewish population in the world outside of Israel. The city, not the school, but the school may be a close third. Translation: She was surrounded by more religious Jews than her ma and pa, some of whose kids started going to Hebrew school in Kindergarten. While this did not register for me, it clearly did for her.

In the middle of 1st grade, said girl asked us if she too could go to Hebrew school. This created a mild to moderate level of panic in my spouse and me. While I always said that if my kids wanted to explore their Judaism, I would be okay with it (and I am – in theory), it had not occurred to me that this would involve, say…joining a synagogue.  And like…maybe going to services. So when she asked, husband and I looked at each other and without any verbal communication, launched in semi-unison into a discussion about what a serious commitment Hebrew School is, how she could not miss it Ever, how even though it was just once a week in 1st grade, it would be twice a week as she got older. How she had to Really Want It. The three of us (aka two of us) agreed to “talk about it in the beginning of 2nd grade because you can’t start mid-year anyway” (You probably can. Whatever).

While all of this was going down, we were also in the middle of applying our Aryan-looking son to Kindergarten. It is not a process I recommend. But the school that we liked most for him (code for “he didn’t get in to his sister’s school so we better find another great school pronto”) happened to be Episcopal (though the school cheerily bills itself as “open to all faiths”). As I mentioned, this is NYC, land of the Jewish peoples. As I mentioned, boy kid can “pass.” But really that wasn’t the point. We knew lots of Jewish people at another Episcopal school here in town, so we went for it. We made our peace with boy kid having chapel once every six day cycle.  We were okay with a non-denominational grace at lunch (sort of). What we did not realize is that we would be the only fully Jewish family in his grade.  Suddenly, we were – and here’s the irony for two atheists – representing. The Jews. Only the boy child wasn’t necessarily up for that task, because, I don’t know..he was 5.

Things chugged along. Daughter child did not ask about Hebrew school again but did ask to start going to the High Holy day services with friends. That I could handle as it did not involve my involvement at all. She wanted to learn all about Judaism (shout out to grandparents and books. Also, by the by, props to the Episcopal school which has maybe taught my boy child more about Judaism than we have/I know. I digress). Anyway, the girl loves the idea that when she dresses up for Rosh Hashanah services, people know she’s Jewish.  It makes her feel…what’s the word for this…chosen. She wants to fast on Yom Kippur. She is In.

My son child came home with a different ‘tude, perhaps after I forced him to choose Hanukah as his “favorite” winter holiday  in Kindergarten (This was the question of the day one fine morning in December, 2014. What teacher asks this? His teacher. Guess what everyone else picked?). Once boy had let the fact that he was “the only one” who chose Hanukah go, I thought we moved on. Then one day, I heard him quietly singing a song that had the words “chatter with the angels.” Note: Jews do not talk about or believe in angels. Except for my son. He also talked about “the blessing of the stuffed animals” (what?) as something fun and exciting at school.  He asked us how we knew Jesus Christ was not god. And in fact did not say “god,” but said, “our lord” as in “How do you know Jesus Christ is not our Lord?”  This atheist was in some trouble, people. While I didn’t want to be lighting Shabbat candles, I wasn’t really up for raising a child who talked about blessings, our lord and savior and angels either.

So where does this leave us? I have no idea. But can anyone tell me what “The star of Jesus” boy kid talked about one night (pointing at it excitedly in the sky – and no it was not the moon, the north star or a passing airplane)? Thank you.